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Ryan Cvejkus
Arthur Tig Lipschitz III (born September 31, 1978 in Stockholm, Sweden), better known as Ryan Cvejkus is a forward, goaltender, and sometimes even a defenseman for the Flapjacks and all of its iterations. Ryan rose to prominence when the Flapjacks took him from the Karlstad Carls of the OSL (One Swede League) in the Dek Hockey expansion draft of 2010. In his and the team's first season in Murrysville, Ryan backstopped the Jacks to a semi-final appearance before the league had had enough of the noobs and their ridiculous name and handed the series to IACC. Ryan is currently playing for Flapjacks alter-ego Michael Jordan's Jazz Band where he is successfully and intentionally staying off of the scoresheet in an effort to conceal his true power . Early Life Ryan materialized out of thin air in the middle of a busy intersection in downtown Stockholm, Sweden on September 31, 1978. No one is sure how or why his coming into being occured, but nobody is asking any questions. He was assigned the name Arthur Lipschitz by the Swedish government because they thought it would be funny to give him some random German name. As Ryan recalls, "I told them I would much prefer some random Slovak name that no one will ever be able to pronounce. They said no way man. I said come on guys. They said alright, you can be known as Ryan Cvejkus - they also thought it would be funny to throw in an Irish name - but your legal name will always be Arthur Lipschitz. No. Make that Arthur Tig Lipschitz III. I said how can I be a third if I have no father. They said it sounded funnier." As Ryan grew older, he began developing a form of mind control. He decided to use it on some random American kid and make this kid think Ryan was his brother. However, through this action, Ryan learned of a magical assembly called Gilbert Perkins' Hockey Academy. By age 12, he was attending every week. This is where Ryan began honing his craft, which he would take back to Sweden and use to conquer the OSL. At age 15, Ryan learned of a Canadian hockey player with the Calgary Flames who also had Tig as one of his 19 middle names . Ryan thought that was kind of interesting and went on with his day. Swedish Career Ryan was drafted by the Karlstad Carls first overall in the 1994 entry draft. He lead the Carls in scoring his first 2 seasons but by the power of Satan was unable to push the otherwise pathetic Carls into the playoff race. Tired of his teammates' dreadful sense of humor and love of all things meatball, Ryan retired from hockey at the age of 18 to manage the local Orient Kebab restaurant. After several consecutive years of winning Karlstad's "Best Damn Kebab" award, Ryan thought he should take advantage of his city's and restaurant's names and create a new menu item, the Karlstad Karlsbab. Before he could implement it, however, Ryan began hearing voices in his head. He would lie awake at night hearing the words "RIP IT, " and "KEBAB IS A WUSSY SPORT." Gilbert Perkins was channeling him. He knew what needed to be done. He set his restaurant on fire, collected the insurance money, and rejoined the Carls . Ryan brought the Carls back to respectability in his first season, winning the Rocket Richstrom award as the leading scorer in the OSL. The Carls would go on to win the next 6 OSL championships . North American Career On April 24 , 2010, as Ryan was entering his 32nd consective hour of sleep on his apartment couch, he was teleported to Murrysville, Pennsylvania . Completely unaware of its existence, Ryan was taken from the Carls by the Flapjacks in the Murrysville Expansion Draft. The teleportation is still unexplained and Murrysville Dek Hockey and Sportzone is not talking. No one seems to care. Ryan is assumed dead in Sweden. You know the rest of the story.